Ode to an Education

Since everyone is going through exams at the moment, I just thought I'd remind you all (in case you've lost sight of this via an increased sense of self-importance that is, to be fair, not your fault) that what you're doing is shit. 

Look at it. Look at your exam notes. They are so fucking boring and ridiculous it's embarrassing that you're even reading them. Do you even have the slightest interest in this stuff? And while you tell yourself that you are going to somehow benefit financially from this fucking degrading four year experience they call "getting a degree" that has forced you into pseudo-poverty for your entire adult life, haha, fucking joke's on you mate because the only people who get jobs in their chosen field after they graduate are people who did fucking revolting degrees like law or engineering or business so if you're one of those people then congratulations, they told you you were training to be an innovator and an entrepreneur didn't they? Ha, joke's on you again because what you actually signed up for is sitting behind a desk until you die choking on your own clogged arteries or the bile you've accumulated after fifty years of listening to women talk about fertility treatments and drinking fucking instant coffee like it's the elixir of life. And don't worry creative types, I haven't forgotten about you guys - I fucking hope you like the smell of body odour because you're going to go and do a graduate diploma and become a teacher now, putting all your creative genius to good use marking Macbeth essays and explaining how influential Frida Kahlo was to a bunch of gormless teenagers every year for the next hundred years because teaching doesn't even give you the dignity of retiring you before your tits start to sag below your belly button. Either that or you aren't doing the grad dip in which case, how is bartending/unemployment/living with your mum going anyway? Let's face it these are the prime years of our lives and while we should be using them to see the world and piss people off and prepare for the fucking zombie apocalypse, instead we're choosing to publicly masturbate for four years at Uni while our parents perversely look on in pride. 

Your degree is a fucking joke. I'm sorry but it is. It's going to churn you out along with thousands of other graduates at the end so you can become party to a fucking genocide of individuality whereby in the first five years of your career you undergo a process your parents will refer to as "growing up" but what is in fact the fucking removal of your soul through your anus and the connection of your brain to the mainframe of society so they can refill the space where your soul used to be with an interest in fad dieting and Siromet winery tours. And before you get your metaphorical knickers in a twist at me for being judgemental, I would just like to point out that I am currently, at this very moment returning home from an exam that was part of my own ludicrous tertiary education efforts so it is only in sympathy and solidarity that I tell you that you'd be better off dropping out and joining the fucking army or becoming a prostitute because let's face it, you're never going to look better than you do now and time is a-ticking till the day you'll want to pop out some miniature versions of your sucker self in the hopes that one day you'll be able to watch them publicly wank their way through a university degree just like mum and dad.

I wish you all luck with your exams and degrees, and hope that unlike me, when they dangle you by the ankle over the bog of eternal banality, you have the good sense to scream your guts out in protest before they drop you in it and you reek of disappointment for the rest of your days.